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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year. New Beginnings.

It's been a very long time since I posted. I was caught up in life and in a very private mode. I wanted to shelter my Reticent Amor (Secret Love) in hopes that it would last longer. I didn't want to hear anything negative from you, the readers. The few people in my personal life that I shared this relationship with had enough opinions, many of which I wasn't interested in hearing. Well the fact that we broke up is an example of what is meant to happen will happen. I didn't share my story with you and it ended anyway.

Another relevant saying is that all good things come to an end is true. We're over. I know I may have said that in my last post 5 mos ago (click here). LOL. But this time for real. We reconciled after that post and had ups and downs during that interim.

We broke up for good on 12/30. The reason? Irreconcilable differences. He felt I didn't love him enough and didn't go the extra mile that he needed. This issue was a recurring topic and I couldn't do anything to change his mind. In fairness, there was some truth to his feelings though no truth in not loving him enough or feeling that he wasn't worth it. We just has different ways of operating and he refused to believe in shades of gray regarding this area. Other contributors to our breakup included the complications related to a Reticent Amor - sneaking around, secret telephone lines, lying to friends and family, never being able to fully explore a normal (non secret) relationship.

So it's been almost 96 hours and I'm not sure how I'm holding up. He's asked me this question a number of times since our breakup and my answer has been consistent, "I don't know." The truth is that I'm numb. While I do believe our decision to end was a good choice, it's bittersweet. The sweetness is that I have an opportunity to reconnect with family, friends and most importantly myself. It's also sweet that neither of us was caught by our primary partners. The bitter is that we're ending a mostly fulfilling relationship. As he said, "when it was good, it was GREAT."

I'm not sure how to move on. How do I reconnect with me? For a year, he was my entire world. I spent every possible second dreaming about, talking about, talking to and spending time with him. Today, I ordered breakfast from my favorite diner and out of habit, also placed an order for him too. Only he wasn't joining me. SMH. Honestly I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Based on the realm of positivity and a can-do attitude, I "know" that I'll be fine. Eventually. I'm just uncertain how long it will take me to get that place. I feel like I've lost one of my best friends. Our relationship was complicated but he was the one I shared the good and bad. He was my go-to person. Our relationship was about more than sex, which we rarely had. It was an emotional connection that seems hard to maintain in absence of a "relationship" though the foundation of our "relationship" was a friendship. I don't know...I just don't know.

What I do know is that I HAVE TO go on in a positive manner. Though, honestly I'd like to stay under the covers with no human contact for at least a week. My job and familial commitments don't allow for this luxury so I need to figure out a coping mechanism quickly. Thus far, I'm ignoring the situation but I know this solution can't last much longer. I shed my first tears today since the breakup but it was nothing significant. It hasn't hit me yet. I'm going to try to keep myself busy focusing on things that can help me. 2012 is a new year, with new beginnings. I put a lot on the backburner last year to focus on my now defunct relationship. Do I regret it? I don't know. I can't venture into that mental space right now. Instead I'm focusing on the future.

Have you ever had trouble dealing with a breakup? How did you handle it? Any advice for me???