New Year. New Beginnings.

It's been a very long time since I posted. I was caught up in life and in a very private mode. I wanted to shelter my Reticent Amor (Secret Love) in hopes that it would last longer. I didn't want to hear anything negative from you, the readers. The few people in my personal life that I shared this relationship with had enough opinions, many of which I wasn't interested in hearing. Well the fact that we broke up is an example of what is meant to happen will happen. I didn't share my story with you and it ended anyway.

Another relevant saying is that all good things come to an end is true. We're over. I know I may have said that in my last post 5 mos ago (click here). LOL. But this time for real. We reconciled after that post and had ups and downs during that interim.

We broke up for good on 12/30. The reason? Irreconcilable differences. He felt I didn't love him enough and didn't go the extra mile that he needed. This issue was a recurring topic and I couldn't do anything to change his mind. In fairness, there was some truth to his feelings though no truth in not loving him enough or feeling that he wasn't worth it. We just has different ways of operating and he refused to believe in shades of gray regarding this area. Other contributors to our breakup included the complications related to a Reticent Amor - sneaking around, secret telephone lines, lying to friends and family, never being able to fully explore a normal (non secret) relationship.

So it's been almost 96 hours and I'm not sure how I'm holding up. He's asked me this question a number of times since our breakup and my answer has been consistent, "I don't know." The truth is that I'm numb. While I do believe our decision to end was a good choice, it's bittersweet. The sweetness is that I have an opportunity to reconnect with family, friends and most importantly myself. It's also sweet that neither of us was caught by our primary partners. The bitter is that we're ending a mostly fulfilling relationship. As he said, "when it was good, it was GREAT."

I'm not sure how to move on. How do I reconnect with me? For a year, he was my entire world. I spent every possible second dreaming about, talking about, talking to and spending time with him. Today, I ordered breakfast from my favorite diner and out of habit, also placed an order for him too. Only he wasn't joining me. SMH. Honestly I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Based on the realm of positivity and a can-do attitude, I "know" that I'll be fine. Eventually. I'm just uncertain how long it will take me to get that place. I feel like I've lost one of my best friends. Our relationship was complicated but he was the one I shared the good and bad. He was my go-to person. Our relationship was about more than sex, which we rarely had. It was an emotional connection that seems hard to maintain in absence of a "relationship" though the foundation of our "relationship" was a friendship. I don't know...I just don't know.

What I do know is that I HAVE TO go on in a positive manner. Though, honestly I'd like to stay under the covers with no human contact for at least a week. My job and familial commitments don't allow for this luxury so I need to figure out a coping mechanism quickly. Thus far, I'm ignoring the situation but I know this solution can't last much longer. I shed my first tears today since the breakup but it was nothing significant. It hasn't hit me yet. I'm going to try to keep myself busy focusing on things that can help me. 2012 is a new year, with new beginnings. I put a lot on the backburner last year to focus on my now defunct relationship. Do I regret it? I don't know. I can't venture into that mental space right now. Instead I'm focusing on the future.

Have you ever had trouble dealing with a breakup? How did you handle it? Any advice for me???

Cooling Down

In the aftermath of last week's decision to not "love so hard," I feel weird.  How can you turn down your feelings for someone?  Unfortunately i'm not a faucet - things don't quite work that way.  

On some level, I feel at peace with our decision because I do believe it is what we both need. However, the prospect of actually implementing a cool down is scary.  What does it mean?  Does it mean that eventually we'll roll into friendship? Or less, since the majority of our relationship is emotional.  The stolen time we share is spent talking, eating and rarely sexing.  We kiss, we hug, we keep it relatively light and just enjoy each other's company.  

If I look at this objectively, we can still be good friends.  The dynamics will just change - not seeing each other as often or calling as much.  Not having such great expectations that are relationship-esque like expecting multiple calls a day, checking-in, dates, etc.  

So one part of me is welcoming of the prospect of having more time and space to focus on me and the things I've let go over the last few mos.  The other part of me is mourning the death of my relationship.  Well I guess only time will tell how this all plays out.  

Ever had to "cool down" your love for someone? Howdya do it?

We Crossed the Line

So I tried and failed to be just his friend. We'd been spending too much time together talking, hanging out and discussng the problems in his relationship. I lent him my ear and then unfortunately my tongue.

Two weeks ago, on a Tuesday, we were driving home and he put his hand on my leg. I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through my leg and I just knew we were going to exchange our first kiss. "Ring Ring," the phone rang and it was his girlfriend. I took that as a sign and we didn't discuss this exchange on Wednesday but each day things seem to get progressively worse in terms of crossing the line. Last week Thursday, while hanging out, we crossed the line in a major way.

After, he asked me how I felt? I didn't know how to respond. I honestly replied that I enjoyed it. Yet there was something a bit unsettling.

I don't know what to think. We might always want to do this.

Will he think of me differently? Will he think differently of the friendship potential? Can we go back and act like this never happened?

We crossed the line. I'm in shock.

I feel guilty. Can I still rationalize that we haven't had sex? This is not fair. This has got to stop. Definitely. Maybe.

What am I afraid of? I'm afraid we've crossed the line of no return. I'm afraid our friendship has been jeopardized. I'm afraid he'll enjoy this portion of our connection so much he'll seek it elsewhere (think jumpoff vs girlfriend); I'll be out of the loop and our "relationship" will suffer. I'm afraid I've pushed him into an uncomfy zone - one where he'll need to back away while he figures things out. I'm afraid I may have jeopardized a good-on-its-way-to-great relationship.

I'm afraid to share these feelings with him because I don't want to increase his load. I know my role as the Other Woman and I'm not sure it allows for this level of emotions and relationship-esque dealings. Last night I misted up and felt a wave of sadness when he said we would not and could not have sex because he could not go that far. I don't have the right to have these kind of emotions and place demands on him. The fact that I do scares me.

I may need to back away while I figure things out and allow for him to do the same. To be clear, I'm not referring to backing away from the friendship just the benefits.

I wonder how he feels.

Have I lost my mind!?!?

Happy New Year!

One of my resolutions is to be more communicative on this blog. I'd like to learn more about our readers and reconnect with my fellow bloggers. It is with this spirit that I share my dilemma and ask for your advice.

I think I have lost my f'ing mind. My relationship with one of my coworkers, has truly crossed the line. We are sharing inappropriate text messages and images. We are even planning an "outing" to two local swingers clubs so we can "observe" and laugh at other people.

My recent nickname for this coworker is Teddy because I imagine his body, especially his developed muscles, wrapped tightly around me.

Thus far, Teddy and I have been platonic, though his live-in girlfriend has vehemently expressed discomfort with our closeness. Funny enough, Teddy and I only hang out at work (though sometimes for hours after our official days have ended), talk on the phone and text each other. We haven't kissed or caressed or done anything physical. Well nothing short of me coping a feel by poking or shoving him.

Truth be told, what I really want to do is hug my "Teddy" bear tight, kiss his neck, lick his ear, slide my hand up his back to behind his ear and then push/pull his head closer to mine for a kiss and much more. I'm at a dangerous stage of desiring to spend a long night or better yet, a weekend with him.

Whereas in the past, I just wanted him to eat my pussy. I didn't wanna fuck. Wasn't interested in any other foreplay - no nipple pinching, no kissing, fuck caressing. Nothing, nada but straight pussy feasting. I used to get moist just thinking about his hands brushing against my hips as he stripped me of my panties. All I wanted was for his face to be buried deep in between my legs - slurping, sucking, tugging, licking my walls CLEAN. Leaving no trace of my sweet nectar. When I was done and had nothing more to give vaginally, I wanted him to plant a loud kiss signaling the end of his vaginal meal, followed by him orally engraving his name on my thighs using sweet kisses and nibbles. Though very appealing, these sexual thoughts are bound to get me in trouble!

The problem is that I have a husband and Teddy has a girlfriend. Though my partner and I are open, I don't want to bring this to him....just yet. As open as we are, I can't imagine hubby approving the outings to two swinger clubs that Teddy and I have planned. So instead we both plan to hide this from our partners. I feel (know??) that I am kidding myself - "everyone knows" how this story is likely to end but MAYBE Teddy and I will be able to just "observe" and talk shit all night.

Ever been on a slippery slope that you know will most likely only lead to trouble?? Did you manage to get off? What should I do??

Caretaking

Trust is not something that is given. Trust is something that you earn.

So much of the poly lifestyle is about trusting. Do I trust my partner to be honest with me? Do I trust my lover to respect the boundaries of our relationship? Do I trust myself to not become jealous? Do I trust myself to not love too hard, too soft, too blind, too broad?

What does it mean…to take care of someone you love? I used to know the answer to that question. It came in the form of selfless devotion - acquiescence without regard for self. A level of giving and gift that could not be matched or likely returned ever. That is to a large degree simply who I know myself to be, and so the doing was not hard, it was an extension of my best self.  It was the only way I knew.

But what happens when self is reborn? When needs change, when devotion takes on a new tenor? How to take care when the caring seems in part to require losing? A bit of you.

If I am honest I will admit to having failed a bit miserably the last few months.  Failed to be the version of me I know. The version I like and respect. The lover I prided myself in being. To have been selfish. To have mistreated. To have violated trust. To have hurt deep and repeatedly.

So where is the corner? And how can I make the turn? Not to go back, but to move ahead in some new direction. To find a space where all possible. I am looking, nearly every moment it seems. For somewhere other than here. More certain. More clear. More sustainable.

I don’t have directions, or even so much as a compass. There is no map. How to find my way then?

Have you ever wanted to be somewhere else but had no idea how to get there?

An Open Letter To Ms. Anti-Relationship

She said, “You're beautiful,” I replied thank you. She said, “I can really see a future for us,” I replied me too. She said, “ I enjoy spending time with you and I never want it to end,” I replied I feel the same way. I asked, “You wanna be my girlfriend?” She says, “ hold up boo let’s dial it back. I’m not ready for a relationship.”

My reaction; WTF! This is an all too often the scenario played out in bedrooms, over dinner tables and in the back seats of cars. Speaking from my lesbian perspective, friends with benefits and non-titled commitment phobic unions seem to be the acceptable standard. I’m over it. Why is it that every woman I encounter "Isn't ready for a relationship" but your more than ready to make me holla or be your baby momma?

I consider myself a prize. I’m attractive, educated, focused on the bigger picture of family and success. I have all the qualities you say you want in a life partner, yet you don’t want to commit. You say, “I feel trapped and I still want to explore my options.” Well wtf you looking for so I can direct you away from me. My pussy is sweet enough to taste but not good enough to marry or at the very least commit to! And how much longer do you think you can play this game; we knocking at 30’s door and times a tickin’.

What boggles my mind even more is the implied suggestion that I must now wait for you AND be committed to you. Its exceptionally brazen of you to not want a relationship BUT you want to kick it, sleep together, go through my text messages, ask me where I'm at, who I'm with, why I'm there; bitch please. Please don’t take my kindness for weakness. I’m woman enough to like you but momma didn’t raise no fool; I also have options.

Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I need to reevaluate me and what I require and expect. But I will no longer be giving you the best, sweetest, wettest parts of me. I’m locking down the kitty kat and we will see how much longer this ambiguous love affair lasts. Maybe I'm trippin’? I just don't want to be that old ass bitch in the club 45 years old single and hitting on all the young girls.

Do we as "progressive" pulled together women put too much emphasis on labels and exclusivity?

The Good, The Bad, The Hopeful

Life never lets you know where it's going. Sometimes the roller coaster ride makes perfect sense and the scenery is beautiful if not awe inspiring. Other times its best to just hold on tight, and try not to throw up. To say that 2009 was the most difficult year of my life was an understatement. A car accident, the sudden illness of one parent, the death of another, unemployment, the near loss of hard earned graduate fellowship. My 29th year kicked my ass in ways I couldn't even understand furthermore anticipate. The road of life has worn me thin this year. The journey has been harder than any I have made thus far. I don't know what the universe was trying to teach me but I just had to do my best to listen and stay sane. Keeping going has really been a test of wills and an unearthing of strength I didn't know I had. With three months left until my 30th birthday, I'm in quiet reflection. What have I lost, this year? What have I gained? What has been my greatest tragedy? What has been my most rewarding triumph?

Looking back I realize that my primary relationship with all it's tumult, sacrifice and joy has been the most stable and reliable constant in my life this past year. Amid all the ups and downs of the last 12 months my relationship has been a meditation within the chaos of my life. A noisy, rarely quiet space, it forced me to concentrate and focus my energy to build the type of union I believed in...taught me to figure out in many ways what it meant to believe...and finally allowed me to transform. I examined the depth of my commitment to my partner...measured and took stock of it in a way I had not before. I learned what it meant to acknowledge that I had not been meeting expectations - both my own and his. I began to say I want, I need, I feel, I think and to own those statements, to voice them in the open, without subterfuge or camoflage.

Relationships, whatever their nature - romantic, platonic, professional - are work. We rarely talk about the work of romantic relationships but work it is. A partnership between us and the other, relationships leave us vulnerable, opening us to success and to failure. Last year I both succumbed to the perils of failure and was exalted on the wings of success. The entire time my partner has been with me, traveling the road at my side, pointing out potholes, navigating with me through traffic jams and detours, searching our map for alternate routes and embracing me as we reach each new destination. He's been my co-pilot reminding me ALLways why the trip was worth taking. I struggled. I cried. I tired. I grew. And in the end, I hoped.

In this new day may I remember that while the good is never simple and the bad is often too much to bear, the hopeful have the presence of mind to dare another day.

I got 99 problems...

I swear, I’ve considered slashing tires and throwing large objects through windshields at least twice in the last couple of months. One individual’s bitchassness has annihilated my whole life’s quota of patience for bullshittery.

My ‘best friend’ turned out to be the biggest bitch I've known thus far. For almost six years I entertained our half assed, long-distance romantic involvement and considering I haven’t even seen a quarter century yet that’s a whole lot of my lifetime to be pissin' on asshole! We spent the majority of that time in an open arrangement where we both saw other people and I felt surprisingly comfortable in it. We spent time with each other as much as we possibly could given the 3000 miles between us and our communication was solid. Not even three days had gone by in all of those years without my talking to him. And, it worked because above all I was truly, madly, deeply, stupidly in love. Not one of the men I saw could disrupt that.

Six years of history, and as soon as I requested a bit of security, he sidelined me with a truckload of nonsense. Fuck you, dawg. Over the span of eighteen months he toyed with my emotions, bulldozing my heart and building insecurities in his aftermath. At the beginning, helping to forge plans where we could live and be closer to one another and in the end tragically abandoning me at one of the most trying times of my life. Our relationship has ended. All I get is indifference from him. Meanwhile, I feel a deep sense of betrayal, resentfulness, and anger. I should take up boxing or mixed martial arts or something because the way I feel, I could do his property some serious harm!

The first time I propositioned him with commitment he asked for time to test the waters and date around. He cried about how he loved me so much but that he hadn't truly dated much outside of us for all of those years despite our 'open' status and I believed him. He began dating Jumpoff #1 right away. I mean, he could have set a Guinness record. And this dude had the audacity to let his hoe put up Facebook pictures and such. Wow. Now my friends want to know what's going on, who chick is, what happened to us, etc. Okay, bitch you're putting our business in the streets this recklessly? Jumpoff #1 messaged me once asking ridiculous questions about my intentions with him. Are you serious? Meanwhile my bitch and I were still talking almost every day, he visited me and I visited him. We chilled, were intimate and still had great times together so I felt comfortable with Jumpoff #1's unimportance. They inevitably broke it off and he played around with Jumpoff #1.5 who is a blip in drama-filled history so we'll skip to the next one. Unbeknown to me, he soon got into something else with another hoe, Jumpoff #2 who had the audacity to call me once at 4am in the morning, notifying me that she had been dating him for a month, had sex with him and warning me that I ought to stop calling and give him space to be with her. It was an immature move. Dude, handle your pussy ... i mean posse. They stay getting out of line. Looking back I must admit that I appreciate her hoe antics, because she'd exposed something I had no idea about.

After the break up with #2, he claimed to want to take things slowly and make things work with me but I would soon learn of #3, who'd somehow earn her foundation during that last failed attempt and was waiting in the woodworks ... a good friend of #1 mind you. Did I not say these hoes roll in packs? I don't even have the energy to describe the nonsense that ensued except he did a good job of belittling me to a depressed pulp then abandoning me completely when I was at my loneliest. He entertained romantic, nostalgic dinners and sex every now and then but afterwards did not call for days, weeks even and was usually completely unreachable. Then something happened. I discovered that a woman's body has an innate mechanism that works magnificently. In time every thing I loved about him ... his voice ... the softness of his hands, the roughness of the stubble on his face against mine began to make my skin crawl. Similarly, the things i'd never liked ... things like his horrendous snoring began to make his company intolerable. The idea of him in my bed and worse ... inside my body made my stomach sick.

Mr. Rebound #1 and Mr. Rebound #2 failed. Dating again wasn't quite the remedy I had hoped. In fact it didn't work at all. At times I ponder the bitch's situation, thinking about him laid up with new girl sweetly, tightly, contently at night while I continue to sift through a million issues. I have too many fears, little inclination to trust anyone and a hypomania that makes me want to fuck with every dude ... sexually ... and emotionally ... remaining the one chased and in control. It confers a short-lived miracle on my ego to be the vixen though I'm not heartless ... I can't be. I know I'm just an amateur. I'm learning a lot about myself ... what I want, like, need.

Applaud my bitch. Really, give his ass a pat on the back and a standing ovation. Despite those hardest of times, I haven't ever been this strong. Ever. In the midst of this recent revelation ... I've smiled more, laughed harder, thrown away inhibitions, leaped into old-new projects, danced the night away in jeans that hadn't fit comfortably in months.

Who's your bitch?

Dumb Arguments You Have In A Relationship

I’m a troublemaker who loves drama. I never knew I was an attention seeking whore until I got my first taste of blood during a tiff with my boo. There’s nothing like a spat between lovers to get the sexual juices following. Some people even break up to make up and ohhh do I love make up sex! After some messy lesbian bullshit drama in the club I got to thinking on my dumbest relationship arguments. Here’s my top 3 argument starters:

1. Not responding to calls, texts, IMs and emails in a timely fashion. – As much as we depend on technology it’s not always reliable. Sometimes I truly didn’t get your message. Sometimes I simply didn’t feel like talking to your bug-a-boo behind. If you don’t trust me enough to not be available at your every whim then maybe you need to find a new boo, before I never reach out and touch you. And if you have to start a fight with me over a text message or a comment on my Myspace/Facebook/Twitter then something is seriously wrong with your mental stability. I read it, and maybe it didn’t demand a reply.

2. Straight Dumb Shit – It's funny how the qualities that were endearing at the start of the relationship now become the things that cause the most friction. Her giggles, her walk, her brand of soap; when I’m pissed those things become annoying. Lets not forget toilet paper, too much hot sauce on my curly fries, or I bought 2% milk rather than whole milk. Really? Although these things can be easily overlooked its more fun to start some shit.

3. Being cool, calm and collected - I’ve never been a back and forth bickering kind of fighter. I usually state my piece and zone out whomever during the rest. This ability has become my most effective weapon of mass destruction. Typically this just leads to another argument. I don’t understand why are you mad at me for not getting mad, angry or happy for that matter? Maybe it didn’t move me or maybe I actually agree with your point without having to go through a whole explanation of why I do. And yeah, sometimes I just want to piss you off.

We all have our tools for getting the battle started. What are your rules of engagement?

Pillow Talk

Awake

Last night I found myself in your arms
Your charm encompassed me mysteriously
as you promised to be all I'll ever need
Your fingers caressed my soul
took control as I fell deeply into the passion our spirits created
In a fashion that drove me to pure bliss
With your delicate lips you kissed my heart
Moving every inch of me
Explicitly
We made love
You played violins in my ears with the gentleness of your moans
I wanted nothing less than to spend eternity
Wrapped in the reality that I thought to be
Then I awoke this morning and reached to my right
Hoping to relive that we shared last night
Suddenly I realized what I feared to be true
Last night I was alone
While only dreaming of you...


Go Right Ahead

Sitting here in the solitude of my room, my mood tells me that it would be more than okay
if today...

You and I skipped the dinner and the candlelight
No long walks on the beach tonight
Don't leave me a love note on the refrigerator
Don't even tell me you love me
You can do that later
No jewelry boxes from Tiffany's
No need for manners
Like Thank You or Please
No soft gentle kisses on my neck and ears
No long conversation sharing our dreams and our fears
When you come home tonight
Don't even say Hi
Don't ask me how my day went
Cause I won't reply
Just put down your things and remove all your clothes
Leave the blinds open
So everyone knows
Don't waste any time on foreplay tonight
Don't give it to me softly
That wouldn't be right
Make me scream loud enough for the whole block to hear
And go even deeper
When your orgasm's near
And when we're all finished
And dripping with sweat
Don't say anything to me
Just hand me a cigarette...

AND I DON'T EVEN SMOKE....

My dreams tell me I need to be made love to, but my pussy tells me I want to be FUCKED...is it normal to be so torn???

It's Complicated

My girlfriend text me on Tuesday afternoon "I miss u". I hadn't seen her in a few days, and I was craving some one on one time myself. The instant after I read the text I'd already pictured her kissable lips sucking on my erect nipples. My juices immediately began flowing. So much for concentrating on the paper I was writing :-/. I stared at the phone for a few minutes, knowing she was waiting for a response. "What are u doing 2 day?" SHIT! I didn't know what to say. My schedule for the next week is so hectic I can't imagine taking time out for her. My partner has more free time than usual and is in a bit of an emotional funk. I feel like every moment I spend with her is time I am taking away from caring for him. Even saying her name seems wrong. This is a new feeling and I don't like it one bit. I've never felt this tension before and it's making me really uncomfortable.

I suck pussy and fuck dick because I desire both. But as much as I love both sexes, and the poly lifestyle, I have to admit that maintaining two relationships at once is hard work. Would it be even more tiring to maintain a single meaningful relationship alongside a packed rooster of fuck buddies? I feel like I simply don't have time for that. But perhaps that is more fun and less stressful? I've opted for a long term life partner and a girlfriend and still -
it's complicated. For the record, I still haven't seen T.

Is it truly okay to want two things at once?

The Afternoon Delight

As women we share natural unsolicited connections. We are bonded by similar bodies, minds and experiences that are so intimately feminine. We can share light nods and soft smiles with a stranger, and as women we already know what you need and how you feel. In my personal experience, that natural sisterhood is deepened when you’re dealing with soul sistahs; and that is why I am so elated to be a part of this blog.

Although we authors and you readers are from different backgrounds, with different sexual profiles we are all sistahs in the circus called life. I am so excited to share, learn and grow with you all through a free expression of love, laughter, sorrow and KINK. I have vowed to be honest and open and use this as a forum to speak my mind and also learn from the experiences shared.

For the sake of frankness let me put it out there I’m gay and can only write from that perspective cause I know nothing else. I love women and I am truly an advocate for gay pride, especially gay black love and all that warm fuzzy shit you see on the L Word, but today, today I wished my girlfriend had a dick.

Because of life, work, nature and some bad scheduling my girlfriend and I managed to go a week without sex. No biggy right; I just had some high expectations for when we did hook up. I NEEDED my back blown out ok! Now we can have a debate on whether lesbians can have back blowing sex, but let me tell you we can and my baby and I do.

Today was my day off so I caught up on some much needed sleep and I woke up not craving a smoke, or some sweets or to catch up on TV, I wanted me some pussy. I wanted my shit eat and beat up and my lady parts to be plump from painful ecstasy. So like any committed girlfriend would do, I texted my woman and told her what I needed. She said she was more than willing to provide. Moreover she was willing to skip lunch to come to my house and put in work.

Now I’ve never been a quickie kind of girl. My body can’t respond to that kind of pressure regardless of how horny I am. Great sex is truly mental and if I know I have to hurry up and cum I can’t. I’ve had 2 “quickies” in my entire 26 years due only to the over stimulation of my senses. I prefer to take my time.

Anywho I ran, took a shower, trimmed down the box, oiled myself DOWN. Honey and just as I was going to slip two fingers in and get the party started early my girlfriend walks in the front door. I’m excited ready to jump her bones but she stops me. She walks to my nightstand and turns my clock radio around to a 45-degree angle and says, “ I only have 20 minutes and I need to watch the clock so I’m not late.” Now I’m all fucked up in the game. I knew she had to get back to work but now she applied some unneeded pressure and I’m over the excitement of the afternoon delight.

We commence to “making love” but I truly needed to be fucked. Whenever I think about yelling out instruction on how to do me I always envision that scene in Strictly Business where the chick is telling her stuffy boyfriend left right down now 2 pumps and it seems so wack. My thinking is even if I don’t like your tricks you should be a good enough general lover to make me cum. I’m learning to get better demanding how I want it. I'd thought I expressed to her earlier that I needed to be fucked and she comes with a softer approach. I try working my hips and angling my body to make it work and I finally moan ever so gently, “ummmm fuck me baby.”

She gets it in starts to work the middle and her hand gets tired and I’m like fuck. I’m on 10 right now, ready to loose my insides on these silky sheets but the only thing on my mind is the feeling of her untrimmed nails scraping my delicate pearl and I’m pissed my mind is going to a million places. I tried focusing, breathing, holding my breath and I finally realize I wish this bitch had a dick.

Now I’ve never truly had sex with a man but I’ve seen porn and watched the faces of my friends contort with devious grins as their minds drift to thoughts of steamy rendezvous. I can only imagine it must be good. At that moment, with my legs giving her the peace sign and looking down at her locks swaying to the beat of HER own ecstasy I was underwhelmed, bored and I really wanted some dick. I was so horny all week long I waited for her to do me so good I could taste it. I’m almost positive a dick would wipe all loathing and self pity I was feeling away.

I didn’t want a man to fuck me but I wish my girl had a dick right then so she could suck my nipples, continue the deep sloppy kiss she greeted me with. If her head wasn’t rotating between my moistened thighs, we could be face to face and I could kiss her on the top of her head like she likes and listen to her shallow breathing and the soft whimper she lets out when I passionately pull on her locks. If my girl had a dick I could have really cum and not have to plaster an unconvincing grin on my face when her alarm went off and she hurried back to work. I tell you sometimes I wish that bitch had a dick!


Do you ever have a moment where you wish you didn’t have to explain to your lover how you wanted to be loved?