So I tried and failed to be just his friend. We'd been spending too much time together talking, hanging out and discussng the problems in his relationship. I lent him my ear and then unfortunately my tongue.
Two weeks ago, on a Tuesday, we were driving home and he put his hand on my leg. I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through my leg and I just knew we were going to exchange our first kiss. "Ring Ring," the phone rang and it was his girlfriend. I took that as a sign and we didn't discuss this exchange on Wednesday but each day things seem to get progressively worse in terms of crossing the line. Last week Thursday, while hanging out, we crossed the line in a major way.
After, he asked me how I felt? I didn't know how to respond. I honestly replied that I enjoyed it. Yet there was something a bit unsettling.
I don't know what to think. We might always want to do this.
Will he think of me differently? Will he think differently of the friendship potential? Can we go back and act like this never happened?
We crossed the line. I'm in shock.
I feel guilty. Can I still rationalize that we haven't had sex? This is not fair. This has got to stop. Definitely. Maybe.
What am I afraid of? I'm afraid we've crossed the line of no return. I'm afraid our friendship has been jeopardized. I'm afraid he'll enjoy this portion of our connection so much he'll seek it elsewhere (think jumpoff vs girlfriend); I'll be out of the loop and our "relationship" will suffer. I'm afraid I've pushed him into an uncomfy zone - one where he'll need to back away while he figures things out. I'm afraid I may have jeopardized a good-on-its-way-to-great relationship.
I'm afraid to share these feelings with him because I don't want to increase his load. I know my role as the Other Woman and I'm not sure it allows for this level of emotions and relationship-esque dealings. Last night I misted up and felt a wave of sadness when he said we would not and could not have sex because he could not go that far. I don't have the right to have these kind of emotions and place demands on him. The fact that I do scares me.
I may need to back away while I figure things out and allow for him to do the same. To be clear, I'm not referring to backing away from the friendship just the benefits.
I wonder how he feels.