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Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Trust is not something that is given. Trust is something that you earn.

So much of the poly lifestyle is about trusting. Do I trust my partner to be honest with me? Do I trust my lover to respect the boundaries of our relationship? Do I trust myself to not become jealous? Do I trust myself to not love too hard, too soft, too blind, too broad?

What does it mean…to take care of someone you love? I used to know the answer to that question. It came in the form of selfless devotion - acquiescence without regard for self. A level of giving and gift that could not be matched or likely returned ever. That is to a large degree simply who I know myself to be, and so the doing was not hard, it was an extension of my best self.  It was the only way I knew.

But what happens when self is reborn? When needs change, when devotion takes on a new tenor? How to take care when the caring seems in part to require losing? A bit of you.

If I am honest I will admit to having failed a bit miserably the last few months.  Failed to be the version of me I know. The version I like and respect. The lover I prided myself in being. To have been selfish. To have mistreated. To have violated trust. To have hurt deep and repeatedly.

So where is the corner? And how can I make the turn? Not to go back, but to move ahead in some new direction. To find a space where all possible. I am looking, nearly every moment it seems. For somewhere other than here. More certain. More clear. More sustainable.

I don’t have directions, or even so much as a compass. There is no map. How to find my way then?

Have you ever wanted to be somewhere else but had no idea how to get there?


MzTrySexual said...

**SNAP** Sometimes you have to come off the road and take a route through some woods and thorns. But the one thing that is certain is that you will find your way. Just keep watching the sun and the stars!;)

The Other Woman said...

I agree with MzTrySexcual. That is the one truisms of life. When we are on our way to our next level, everything that seemed normal changes. There is always a season of change but we have to put in the work and give into it. It will all be easier when we remember that life is more about the journey oppose to the destination.