Caretaking

Trust is not something that is given. Trust is something that you earn.

So much of the poly lifestyle is about trusting. Do I trust my partner to be honest with me? Do I trust my lover to respect the boundaries of our relationship? Do I trust myself to not become jealous? Do I trust myself to not love too hard, too soft, too blind, too broad?

What does it mean…to take care of someone you love? I used to know the answer to that question. It came in the form of selfless devotion - acquiescence without regard for self. A level of giving and gift that could not be matched or likely returned ever. That is to a large degree simply who I know myself to be, and so the doing was not hard, it was an extension of my best self.  It was the only way I knew.

But what happens when self is reborn? When needs change, when devotion takes on a new tenor? How to take care when the caring seems in part to require losing? A bit of you.

If I am honest I will admit to having failed a bit miserably the last few months.  Failed to be the version of me I know. The version I like and respect. The lover I prided myself in being. To have been selfish. To have mistreated. To have violated trust. To have hurt deep and repeatedly.

So where is the corner? And how can I make the turn? Not to go back, but to move ahead in some new direction. To find a space where all possible. I am looking, nearly every moment it seems. For somewhere other than here. More certain. More clear. More sustainable.

I don’t have directions, or even so much as a compass. There is no map. How to find my way then?

Have you ever wanted to be somewhere else but had no idea how to get there?