N.R.A. (No Recklessness Allowed): Another Tale From Pink's WTF Files

Okay, so I can admit, I've had a pretty good run of online matchmaking. I met a sexy pornstar who fucked me incessantly, a well-hung Jamaican who knows how to make me explode and, hell, even the not-so-cute chick I met on Craig's List gave me some fire ass head. But all it takes is one. One slightly off-his-rocker dude that had ya girl Pink thinking about "takin' it back to tha old school" and leaving the internet's blind eye alone.

I met this dude on a popular adult personals site and we exchanged a few online interactions. We spoke on the phone and he told me that he was a probation officer, and a father. He was funny, we teased each other with naughty picture text messages and after a while, decided to meet.

He came over on a week night. Late as fuck. When I opened the door, I was taken aback by the fact that he wasn't clean-shaven. And not like he was gruffy in a sexy way, but gruffy like no haircut, no shave, I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-first-impressions-gruffy. Strike One. Then, as he hugged me "hello", I noticed the smell of alcohol on him. He had showed up, drunk. Strike Two. But that wasn't the kicker.

He was there, not bad looking, and I kind of hornied myself up to the point of no return, so I was going to attempt fucking him. Maybe that would be his only saving grace. Well, let me just say, it never even got that far. As he was disrobing, I couldn't help but notice the shiny and very real handgun that he pulled out of his waist. What the FUCK??!? Um, no. Homie don't play that.

So I asked, "Why the fuck did you bring a gun into my house?"

Sniper said, "I don't ever leave home without it, didn't I mention that?"

"Hell no you didn't. You know I'm here by myself. Why the fuck you need to bring a gun up here?"

Sniper paused. His drunk ass started smirking and said, "Ya know. I have an ex-girlfriend who used to get turned on by me putting the gun next to her head when we..."

I cut his ass off. "Hell nah. Nah, buddy. That's not my kind of Kink. I don't play with guns. And I don't fuck dudes who sneak guns into my crib. I don't give a fuck what your ex liked!"

Stumbling with his belt, trying to figure if it was coming on or off, Sniper said, "Look, I can take the clip out. I can just lay it on the pillow or table next to the bed..."

Now I know this fool is crazy. Now was the time when I had to tell this dude to make like George W. and "GET THE FUCK OUT!!"

Ever have an encounter that made you think twice about your dating karma?

Liar, Liar My Pussy On Fire

I hate Internet dating, mainly because people lie. I have profiles on several different sites and I strive for accuracy in my description including tons of current pictures. I think honesty is necessary for a mutually fulfilling encounter. What I can’t understand is why people don’t repay the favor. When your move to a new city the Internet a necessary evil so that was my first opportunity to communicate with South Florida's woman loving public. So I posted an ad and waited patiently for the responses to pour in.

When I first posted I was feeling friendly but by the time the responses started coming in I was feeling frisky. I decided to accept the first request for sex because I was desperate but I had high hopes it would be satisfying. Now I set myself up for failure by not requesting full body pictures or headshots, but the pics of double D’s I did receive had me distracted so I pressed for a quick meet. We decided to connect at a shopping center and as I pulled up a light drizzle turned into a steady rain. I arrived first and waited in my car dreaming of the nasty things that were about to go down. Her Chevy Tahoe pulled into the lot. Her windows were tinted adding to the excitement.

She calls me over so I approach the driver’s side. Time was crawling as the power window snuck down. I have this thing were my eyes speak for me, and I am certain they were screaming FUCK NO. I don’t care what anyone says, facial hair on woman is not acceptable. She had a 5 o’clock shadow that was mean. To call her rotund would be an understatement and to say I was unenthusiastic would be putting it mildly. I was looking at her and thoughts of a penguin flooded my mind. I figure she was sitting so maybe she needed to stand up and spread things out. She rolls out the car and presents more of the same and I wanted to cry. My pussy was ON FIRE and after I gave her the once over I was too through. She said she needed to go into the store and pick up a few items for dinner. I’m like great so she plans on eating before. How attractive! We shop and all the while I’m sweating bullets thinking of ways to get out of this madness.

I tell myself fuck it. You here, and now you have a wonderful cautionary tale to share with the masses. We head to a pay by the hour hoe-tel and she alerts me that we have to park in the far corner “cause my man work around here and I don’t want him to see me creeping.” Now I'm really disguised but I’ve already committed and I’m no quitter. I run to the bathroom and try to freshen up and I come back into the room to find her naked. This bitch was round y'all. I mean circular in every sense of the word. I don’t know how she faked great breasts but what I saw was a floppy, sloppy mess. I was so sad. There would be no pussy eating or kissing going on. And I was so good; there was no need for her to touch me. I told the penguin to lay down and I was lowering myself to what I believed was the nipple when I saw a hairy ring of fire. At that point I said fuck that I’m ova. I kindly declined the encounter, got dressed and rolled out. Fuck my deposit. I felt bad leaving her but I figured she could call her man for a ride back to her car.

Has the Internet also deceived you?