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Sunday, June 7, 2009

Liar, Liar My Pussy On Fire

I hate Internet dating, mainly because people lie. I have profiles on several different sites and I strive for accuracy in my description including tons of current pictures. I think honesty is necessary for a mutually fulfilling encounter. What I can’t understand is why people don’t repay the favor. When your move to a new city the Internet a necessary evil so that was my first opportunity to communicate with South Florida's woman loving public. So I posted an ad and waited patiently for the responses to pour in.

When I first posted I was feeling friendly but by the time the responses started coming in I was feeling frisky. I decided to accept the first request for sex because I was desperate but I had high hopes it would be satisfying. Now I set myself up for failure by not requesting full body pictures or headshots, but the pics of double D’s I did receive had me distracted so I pressed for a quick meet. We decided to connect at a shopping center and as I pulled up a light drizzle turned into a steady rain. I arrived first and waited in my car dreaming of the nasty things that were about to go down. Her Chevy Tahoe pulled into the lot. Her windows were tinted adding to the excitement.

She calls me over so I approach the driver’s side. Time was crawling as the power window snuck down. I have this thing were my eyes speak for me, and I am certain they were screaming FUCK NO. I don’t care what anyone says, facial hair on woman is not acceptable. She had a 5 o’clock shadow that was mean. To call her rotund would be an understatement and to say I was unenthusiastic would be putting it mildly. I was looking at her and thoughts of a penguin flooded my mind. I figure she was sitting so maybe she needed to stand up and spread things out. She rolls out the car and presents more of the same and I wanted to cry. My pussy was ON FIRE and after I gave her the once over I was too through. She said she needed to go into the store and pick up a few items for dinner. I’m like great so she plans on eating before. How attractive! We shop and all the while I’m sweating bullets thinking of ways to get out of this madness.

I tell myself fuck it. You here, and now you have a wonderful cautionary tale to share with the masses. We head to a pay by the hour hoe-tel and she alerts me that we have to park in the far corner “cause my man work around here and I don’t want him to see me creeping.” Now I'm really disguised but I’ve already committed and I’m no quitter. I run to the bathroom and try to freshen up and I come back into the room to find her naked. This bitch was round y'all. I mean circular in every sense of the word. I don’t know how she faked great breasts but what I saw was a floppy, sloppy mess. I was so sad. There would be no pussy eating or kissing going on. And I was so good; there was no need for her to touch me. I told the penguin to lay down and I was lowering myself to what I believed was the nipple when I saw a hairy ring of fire. At that point I said fuck that I’m ova. I kindly declined the encounter, got dressed and rolled out. Fuck my deposit. I felt bad leaving her but I figured she could call her man for a ride back to her car.

Has the Internet also deceived you?


Hubman said...

Yuck. I think I just threw up in my mouth at the description of this 'woman'!

Sheba said...

Awww, what is with these poor internet connections of late? I'm happy to say that you and I met via the net. And look how positive that turned out ;-) Keep hope alive!

The Fury said...

EWwww! Oh shit I think I was trying to figure out what I would do and damn damn damn that wouldve had to be some kind of get out of fuck free card. Like Hubman I threw up in my mouth.

The net is so damn sneaky. I think those tints are on purpose. It keeps her from scaring small children.

Aurore said...

Fat girls need love too ;)

I'm always leery of people who won't send full pics nude or not. And I've been asked more times than I can count if my pics are recent. Apparently, it's hard to believe someone isn't lying or misrepresenting themselves online.