Continued from Play on the Edge I
Sometimes it’s hard for me to admit when I am wrong. I have a stubborn streak and although it usually takes a back seat to my partner’s, it is alive and kicking. After I wrote my proposal I was determined to give the conversation another go. I tried relentlessly over the course of the next couple of weeks to get more details and to have him explore his feelings. It was difficult if not impossible to get him to tell me anything. I started to become offended. How dare he place me in some kind of lily white category? How has he made me of all people into a paragon of sexual virtue? It was upsetting and alarming at the same time. He was insulting my inner sex goddess. Had we really been having “vanilla” sex all these years? How exactly could I spend the rest of my life with a man like this? My determination grew into relentless dedication. Even at this point, I wasn’t sure what him telling me more would accomplish exactly and how this would help us move toward future adventures. I at least understood that his “violent” sex had something to do with the BDSM lifestyle. I was hoping to tap into that something and hone it, perhaps help it to flourish. I was a little anxious about the details, but that anxiety had an element of excitement to it. I was ready for a new challenge in a sense, and spurred on by the idea that this was something I might actually really like. Trying it on to see if it fit became imperative.
I asked my partner why he thought average people are willing to add things like stockings, handcuffs, blindfolds and the occasional good smack, into their sex lives. On some level I thought it had something to do with the “idea” of being spicy, of trying something new. I wondered where the pleasure came from. Was it related to doing something slightly taboo or forbidden? Was it a joy that came from being a variation of normal and stepping outside of the sometimes puritanical bounds of American sexuality? If I am honest with myself I will admit to being condescending. I consider these people – of which I am one – to be fakers, mirroring an idea of the daring yet unwilling to embrace the experience in a more pure form. When you are spanking me during sex, what exactly is that about, I asked him. Are you reenacting a music video or are you getting pleasure from it, and if so from what aspect? I could feel myself becoming a therapist. In spite of my best efforts not to fall into it I was in fact “shrinking” him. In the face of his insistence not to have the discussion I had discovered a back door. I’d found a way to get him to talk about his feelings as they related to sex play without actually asking about that specific encounter he refused to discuss. All of a sudden we were having a real conversation about what he experienced as the aggressor. My ability to reframe and shift context was allowing me to understand what dominance meant to him and why he felt real BDSM wasn’t a good fit for us.
Our sex play has often included aspects of bondage or spanking but more as a variation of normal than a lifestyle choice. My partner has had experiences wih other women which he considers to be more of a deviation from the norm than ours. However, he believes these experiences to be somewhat isolated incidents that just "happened" to work out well. He isn’t at the point where he can picture acting out similar scenarios with me. He is also unsure whether he would enjoy the behavior if it were in some way official or sanctioned. On some level he believes the person in the submissive role isn’t enjoying what is happening. So from his perspective in order to really get into what he is doing he would have to stop caring how the other person felt. His theory is that this is not someplace he could go with me. Attempting to do so would require him wrapping his mind around the idea that I might actually experience pleasure from physical discomfort or even pain. As my current sexual partner and possible life partner he is committed to the idea of doing whatever he can sexually which will bring me pleasure. If BDSM experiences are part of that, then ultimately he is willing to make an attempt. However he really doesn’t know what he is doing and that bothers him. So he wants to know where we start.
How do you add something "new" to your sexual menu?